The Right Kind of Sucking

I think I've found it. A bona fide so-bad-it's-good classic. An anime that touched me in much the same way Angel Cop touched me; so wrong, yet so right. Its name is Dracula: Sovereign of the Damned.

Now, you wouldn't really expect something from way back in 1980 to leave that sort of impression on anyone; when older shows and movies get bad, they generally don't get memorably bad. And the directors had worked on plenty of well-regarded shows, with the comedy Doctor Slump probably bearing their most distinct creative fingerprints. By all accounts, this is quite the faithful adaptation of a Marvel Comics series (as evidenced by the Western designs), though I'm admittedly unfamiliar with the comics' quality. The only thing I know for sure is that creatures of the night wouldn't have their dignity steamrollered like this until Twilight.

Dracula himself is actually this TV special's main character, or butt-monkey to be more accurate. And as it turns out, he's actually a really nice guy! But that darn Lucifer's always bringing him down, man, so the mountain of bodies to Dracula's name really aren't his fault. He even tries to stick it to the man by kidnapping a Satanic church's sacrifice, but ends up falling in love with her at first sight. They have a kid together.

Are any of you buying all this? Good, because the movie throws it at us in the first thirty minutes, before things start getting weird.

It isn't until the child, Janus, is a few months old that Lucifer realizes he's been screwed, and orders a trap laid for the vampire. Up until now Dracula's lover, Dolores, has renounced her devil-worshiping ways as a simple mistake of youth: “I agreed to become the bride of Satan as a lark”, as she herself puts it. She's instantly willing to take up the Satanic Church's mysterious offer to baptize and protect her child, however. Hey, they must offer some pretty good protection. It's a trap, of course, as they attempt to weaken and kill Dracula by . . . lowering metal shutters in front of the windows with crosses painted on. Did the church come equipped with metal shutters for the windows, or did they have to be specially installed? Did any of the devil-worshipers feel conflicted about painting crosses all over their church? These are not questions Dracula: Sovereign of the Damned cares to ask. Regardless, my plot description ends here because some twists no description can do justice.

While the plot certainly provides much amusement for reading like a bad dream after drinking too much spiked punch at Halloween, the characters themselves also hold their own. There's a trio of vampire hunters with an evil-detecting dog (!) who you expect to be the good guys, but end up more like a Greek chorus. They always end up standing within crossbow range of Dracula while he's distracted by/fighting something else, only for their wheelchair-bound leader to say, “Wait, let's see what happens here”. Then he helpfully explains to his comrades (and the audience) what just happened, but not until Dracula leaves. 

The really funny part is, they never hide themselves well, yet Dracula never acknowledges them unless they directly confront him! They pass each other on the street! I just like to imagine what he's thinking: “Who're these crossbow-bearing youngsters who just show up at all the important events of my life? Ah, well, maybe they'll go away if I keep ignoring them . . .” Dolores is your standard tragic woman, bemoaning how she can never again find true happiness in life. You joined the Church of Satan and married Dracula yourself, honey. And let's not forget the vampire of the hour himself.

Earlier I hinted at how ridiculous it is to portray Dracula as a good guy, but that's really what the movie wants us to think. His need to drink blood and the destruction it causes is forgotten when inconvenient; it's never shown what he does for food when living a peaceful life as husband and father at the beginning. They play up that he was a good man when alive, and only impaled all those people to make a point (bah-dum-tiss), a mistake he's apparently more than paid for the now by . . . doing the devil's work. Yeah, you figure out how that works. All I care about is the script's desperation to make Dracula the underdog, which eventually results in his vampiric powers being stripped and humanity restored.

He still dresses as a motherfucking vampire.

Seriously, at no point does he think to ditch the flowing black and red cape to blend in, and being powerless he just keeps getting his ass kicked by pretty much everybody. Thus, we have the audience are treated to scene after scene of what looks like the biggest failure of a vampire ever. Even better, not a single character who sees him think this guy might be a vampire, despite dressing exactly like Bela Lugosi. They'll just let the nice man in a cape who's being chased by zombies or whatever into their home without question! I'm not sure my suspension of disbelief will ever be the same.

Dracula: Sovereign of the Damned is a must-watch for anyone who loves entertaining garbage. It's pretty amazing how seriously the plot takes itself while throwing such loads of batshit (!) crazy at us. You can watch it here now, or make a date to see it next October. But be warned: you may never take vampires seriously again.